Time to revisit the past...

This is not in the form of looking back, like how Lot's wife was looking back in want and desire for the things she left behind in Sodom.  If you do not know what happened to her, read this:  Lot's wife

I revisit the past to see how I've grown and changed.  This helps me to see and not take for granted the work that God has been doing in my life.

I look at many of my posts both here and on Facebook about altars and have to say that the tearing of altars in my life began here:

As you read, what altars come to mind that you need to get out of your life?

TEARS

by Jim Shiloh on Saturday, December 20, 2008 @ 10:30pm

Every since the death of my father, God has been working on me. I am sure that He was working on me prior to that, but it took a harsh significant event to get my attention. I in no way shape or form blame God for the death of my father.

Seeing me through the death of my father, two divorces, the death of my sister, a third separation, and a strong hold of strong holds, God has been nothing but patient, trustworthy, and just.

Right down to my current situation where I am moving from a home I can no longer afford and not able to sell, to where He wants me to be.

I battle against my own desire for things of this world and God simply says, “you will not need this where you are going.” I do not mean Heaven, but His purpose for me in His kingdom.

Desires.

I have a 32-inch boat anchor of a TV. It is cumbersome, heavy, and needs external speakers to work properly, but it does work well. My intention was to give the TV to my pastor and his family and purchase a smaller more manageable TV. I went to Wal-Mart, thinking a smaller flat panel would be ok. I was looking at 22-inch models, which they did not have in stock. The worldly desire took hold and I could not walk away, nor go smaller. I walked out the proud owner of a new 26-inch TV.

Now it is time for our youth dinner. I had arranged for a guest speaker who has worked missions for a couple years and met his wife while working missions, who was working missions also. He has an awesome story of just how much God loves and cares for us. He spoke of many things, but the thing that struck me most was that he gave up everything but the clothes he needed and left for Guatemala. He sold and gave away everything he had. Here I sit with a brand new 26-inch flat panel TV thinking I am to go into ministry.

His mention of getting rid of all his stuff was short, just a blurb, but it left me feeling guilty, despite my pastors suggestions to not buy a new TV, “just keep the one you have.” It’s a boat anchor I replied. The 26-inch TV is more of a boat anchor than the 32-inch it was to replace.

Here I sit, feeling even guiltier for the number of boxers and pairs of socks that take up a drawer each: t-shirts and pants that take up two shelves. Shirts hanging on hangers I haven’t worn in such a long time, I can’t even remember. I haven’t even finished unpacking my clothes. I had to stop.

Here I sit, in my new living room, looking at the walls of boxes, piles of stuff on top of furniture, wondering what in the world am I doing. Who is it that I am serving, and Who is it that I am supposed to be serving.

God.

My heart says go, my mind say hold on, and God is saying trust in Me.

They are tears of guilt.
They are tears of embarrassment.
They are tears of fear.
They are tears of want and desire.
They are tears for a God who loves me.

I now have two boat anchors. One is going back. I am going to finish unpacking my clothes and then pack up clothes to take to the Salvation Army. I am going to tear down the walls of boxes, uncover the furniture and sell, give away, get rid of the other boat anchors of my life that keep me from God.

They are now tears of freedom.